I think I'm going crazy.
Joshua is making me crazy.
I know something is not "right" with him, but I don't know exactly what
or what to do about it.
We don't have a doctor, we go to the Urgent Care 30 minutes away since none of the doctors in Fallon are covered on our insurance.
So, I don't have one to ask about the issues I'm having with Joshua.
This kid is something else. He's wild. He makes people cry.
He doesn't stop moving (except when he's watching Cars). Helping him get to sleep at nap time and bedtime is terribly hard.
I fall asleep at nap time and by bedtime I'm worn to a pulp, I can't really function anymore.
Tonight I put him down. He sleeps with Ben on the bottom bunk. He had his sippy of milk and his special blankie. He seemed to be sleepy enough, but about 10 minutes (okay maybe only 5, I only got some of my dishes done) later I hear a smack and then he cries. I went to the bedroom and apparently Joshua hit Ben in the nose. For no reason. It's what he does. So, I had to try and lay with him, but he wouldn't lay down and kept touching both me and
Ben. Every time I tried to leave he would sit up and call, "mommy?" From the time I put him in his bed, until the time he finally fell asleep was about 45 minutes. Not terrible, but hard when I'm the "single" mom for the night and he and I have been together since wake-up.
I was kicked in the face, by him, at least twice today, once when changing his diaper and also when helping him sleep. He made my mom cry yesterday. He didn't want his poopy diaper changed. He threw his tantrum and it was enough to upset her. Plus, when that was over, he continued to return to her to show his anger by hitting at her or throwing things. That is 100% typical. And it makes me sad.
I used to judge people who had children that were a little more difficult. I didn't even like their children. Now that I have one of those children I feel guilty for my judgements and so much more understanding. That being said, I figure everyone that doesn't have a difficult child is judging me and doesn't like Joshua. I know, I know, not everyone is as bad as me. I don't like to ask anyone to watch him. But, I also don't like to take him anywhere.
So, my latest desire is to take my family and live in a bubble. A place where we can all work together to figure this out. A bigger house would be nice, too.
I cry often about all of this. I pray often, too. I "weary" the Lord with my pleas. I'm learning that I need to be proactive. I need to do my part, not just ask. But, I guess I'm still a bit clueless as to what my part is.
As he fell asleep tonight, I tried to picture him as a spirit child of Heavenly Father. I look forward to the day when we can be friends and I hope that can happen in this earth life.
For now, I'm working on loving him, being patient but firm, and trying desperately to remain sane.